Finding Peace

It’s been a while since my last post. Quite a lot of things have happened, but I’ll stick with what’s important: my epiphany in Vietnam.

For the first time since I moved to Taiwan, I didn’t go back to Canada for the summer. It wasn’t an easy decision, but I felt like it was the right one. I needed this summer to reset, to restart. 

So, after watching a YouTube video about Sapa and hearing my brother describe his trip to Vietnam, I decided to go book a trip myself. I remember making that promise to myself, so I made it happen, seven years later. 

(Read about my first trip here)

To be honest, I was both excited and nervous. I had no idea what to expect from this trip. All I knew was that I loved being in the mountains and wanted to see the pretty rice fields. I wanted a quiet, peaceful town and spend my days looking at mountains and breathing fresh air. 

To make sure I had a good time, I analysed things that I could change. I prepared myself mentally by taking on a different role. I created a sense of emotional detachment by taking on the role of a tourist that just happened to speak Vietnamese. I also know I’m happiest when I’m busy, so I made sure to plan my days with activities: even if I had a chill day, at least I was productive and accomplished something. And finally, I made sure to stay connected with my loved ones by being present online. I made sure to buy data so I can not only feel independent, but also safe. If anything happened to me, at least it would be easier for me to notify people. Everything went smoothly and according to plan. 

Yes, I had a great time. I soaked in the views, breathed fresh air and ate delicious Banh Mi's. I had cheap massages and facials and treated myself to lavish meals from time to time. I ticked all the boxes as a tourist. 

Stopping between villages to admire the view

Though, I got way more than I ever bargained for. I got to reconnect with my heritage. I had conversations with multiple people from different tribes and their experiences were quite similar to mine. They all felt slightly different from their peers and wanted to achieve something different, lead a different life from what was already paved for them. We weren't so different afterall.

Sipping beer in the waterfalls after the trek

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Going up Fansipan Mountain in itself was an experience. I initially just wanted to go on top, even if I couldn't see anything. It was just something I wanted to check off my list, and at that point, I really enjoyed hiking up the mountains. 

I took the cable car up and started walking up the mountain. Along the way, I saw pagodas, shrines and paths. There were a few attractions sprinkled on the way and it made the climb meaningful. I saw different statues, from either different deities or monks, decorate the path. Something about it being in the mountains and the fog gave it an ethereal feeling. 

I was almost at the top when I noticed a pagoda. I usually make sure to drop by and say a few prayers. I tend to stop by whenever I need some grounding, or calm my anxiety. 

I made a mental note of dropping by on my way down to pray for safety and recenter myself. 

Reaching the top of Indochina!

When I reached the summit, I took a few pictures of myself at the top. I made it. Granted, I didn’t hike up the whole mountain, but I did it. I saw multiple flags and people posing with them. To my own surprise, I opted for the Vietnamese flag. I asked a few Vietnamese tourists to help me. I posed with it and made sure the flag flew in all its glory. For the first time in a really long time, I felt proud of my heritage. I knew how to interact with it and where I stood. 

After the photo session, I made my way back down. I saw the signage for the pagoda and went inside. 

I was by myself, there were no tourists inside. Buddhist chants filled the room and I started looking at the details on the walls. I tried deciphering the scriptures to see what they meant. I started looking at the statues and thought of prayers. 

But the next thing I knew, I felt something in my chest. This time, it was different. It wasn’t as if I was having a panic attack. It was as if something inside me wanted to get out. As if my body wanted to get rid of something, something toxic- some negative energy perhaps. So, instead of suppressing it, I just let myself go. I didn’t have to feel embarrassed, no need to feel ashamed for losing face in public. There was no one here. The only witnesses were the CCTVs and the statues. If I don't let it out now, when will I?

So I did. My throat tightened and tears started streaming down my face. I cried. Silently. I surrendered myself, I allowed myself to feel vulnerable. “No need to repress anything, just feel and let it out.” I told myself. I needed that encouragement. 

This went on for a few minutes. My vision was blurry and I kept wiping off the warm tears off my face with my jacket. I kept staring at the statues and forced myself to be present. No distractions. “Focus on this discomfort, you need to fully embrace it so it can pass. You need this.”

After a while, I was able to restore my composure. I felt relief, emotional, spiritual relief. It was as though all my past mistakes had been forgiven. I was given permission to forgive myself. I was given permission to reset, start anew. I can move on with my life. 

Once my breathing was regular again, I wiped the tears off my face one last time, said my prayers to the different statues in the temple, zipped up my jacket and pulled up my hood. It’s time to go, even if I felt extremely raw and vulnerable. 

As soon as I stepped out, I saw nothing but fog. It was all white. As I approached the barrier, I saw the cliff and another statue in the distance. It was one of the deities my parents prayed to- Quan Âm- when I was growing up. She was on top of a hill. I looked up and more tears started streaming down my face.

For the first time in a really long time, I didn’t feel alone. There was a familiar presence in the air, something homey. It was as if the mountains were giving me a hug. 

For the first time, I knew everything was going to be okay. I was being protected. I have no idea what the future holds, but I trust that I will make it. I will be fine. 

Quan Âm on top of a hill

I approached the deity and paid my respects. I started heading down. I took my time. I usually despise the cold, but today, the chill air and mountain winds were actually enjoyable. They helped dry my tears and sweat.